Doubts

Through the course of the days, weeks, months, and now even years, from time to time I have doubts.  I don't doubt Messiah, I know He is who He said He is.  There's no reason in the world to doubt YHUH, He is amazingly awesome and has revealed Himself beyond what I would have ever asked or imagined.  My doubts involve me.  Sometimes I wonder how our Creator could even love me, much less allow me to live this wonderful life and let me hear His voice.  I'm not doubting his Word, but once in awhile I do doubt my place in His plan.

I don't think I'm alone in this, although most folks do seem more confident than I am.  When things seem to be taking a really long time or obstacles remain in place, I do wonder if I heard right or am missing something.  I accept Abba's Will over mine, of course, and life doesn't have to be a bed of roses, but sometimes when things seem to really be a struggle, I tend to re-evaluate.  I'm not yet perfected, so it is completely possible that a Perfect, Holy G-d can speak to me, and I can get something wrong or out of order.  He's perfect, I am not.  Sometimes in my zeal to serve and accomplish, I miss some key information or make presumptions that later cause me to stumble or doubt.  I still sometimes struggle to recognize the difference between a test and an attack.  I mean no disrespect to Abba, but sometimes I am unsure and that's when the self-doubting begins.

Two doubts have been very heavy, as of late, and every time I think I've resolved the doubt, something new crosses my awareness to sort of flicker a little life back into the doubt.  Just as this divided house situation here the Land of Goshen has reared it's ugly head once again, I received an invitation to do some traveling in ministry . . . and as I've sought to understand shemitah, I've bounced between peace in observing shemitah this year and the doubt that I might be a year ahead.  To be honest, I'm a little tired of religious debate at this point.  I see why some people simply aren't interested in what they think we are talking about.  We sound so divided, who can know?  What I have come to realize in this doubt dilemma is I must replace my self-doubt with faith in my Heavenly Father.

I'm tired of calendar debates and I'm tired of the holiday discord.  I can speak with absolute certainty that families who all celebrate the "traditional holiday" still have discord.  I used to try to do it.  It's a relief to know the truth and simply not participate, but the religious debates are another matter.  We aren't arguing Sukkot vs. Christmas and Passover vs. Easter, this is the debate of which day begins the month so we know when Sukkot is and does the day begin in evening or morning so we do Passover right . . . It's exhausting and of course, everyone is sure they are right, except me.  I start doubting all over again!  I no longer doubt regarding Passover, I simply don't even read the debate comments.  The same with the new moon and new month.  I'm done with the opinions of humanity on that topic as well.

I'm not doing that this year.  I'm done.  There's a reason this house is divided and I've laid aside my presumption I fed myself when I heard the Voice of YHUH tell me what I heard nearly 13 years ago.   Then, later, I was the fire chaplain, the night I saw the pillar of fire.  There was no fire reported, but I did have a witness to that pillar of fire that went all the way to the sky.  I know what I heard when I was brought to this place to establish it. Yes, there have been folks I truly hoped would be participants, but clearly will not be, and others, who knows.  YHUH knows who will be here and when.  Bringing them here isn't part of my assignment in this project.

As for Shemitah, the only ones really disagreeing with Israel aren't working the land, anyway, so that speaks volumes.  For those who are outside of the Land of Israel, perhaps we are to base it on our own individual seven years, and this year happens to be mine.  I'm tired of religious discussions that produce doubt.  I very much want to recognize the line between stiff-necked and steadfast and I want to be steadfast, not stiff-necked.  

There are days, it would be so easy to just write thoughts and notes on social media while proclaiming to "not be a teacher."  By the way, I'm not a teacher, per se.  I do "teach" that our bodies are to be cared for according to Scriptural instruction rather than social mainstream norms of pharmaceuticals, but other than that, teaching is not my spiritual calling.  My calling doesn't involve an easy life, necessarily.  Back to making life easy.   Y'hshuah said His yoke is easy, but that doesn't mean life is going to be easy.  He said His burden is light, so this heaviness of doubt has to go!   I don't need an easy life, I want a blessed life.  Faith and doubt have no place in the same heart.  This homestead "ain't" big enough to keep both faith and doubt.